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Today felt like

today felt like...blah. it wasnt necessarily anything great that happened and there wasnt anything negatvie that passed me..so i'm guessin that means i had a good day. YAY. Im cold tho  i know that. I'm supposed to be working out...but i've made up an excuse by thinkin!!! lol. GREAT TIMING BRAIN!!!! 

Ugh i just got thrown off. Eliette is having a breakdown. I almost cursed  her out cuz she was coming at me all RETARDED. But behind every angry emotion is a TRUTHFUL REASON. Her reason is sadness. She feels pressured by her family to do and be this person that SHE herself is not happy with. I am tryin to help her. I went off on her a little because she pissed me off. SHe kept accusing me of shyt on the sly..n then when i told her to talk to me tomorro because im not feeling tha way she is comin at me she was like..."yea...run away like everyone else.." O THAT PISSED ME OFF!! But u know what......in my FIREY RAGE....I STOPPED. My brain proccessed that same phrase as somethin i used to say. It hit me...ALICIA YOU KNOW THIS FEELING AND THIS GURL NEEDS HELP. SO i reveresed it on her to make her talk to me. I was like..."look i dont know who did what to you but im not them..so stop fuckin accusing me. when u learn how to face that person and take it out on them,...u hit me up.." THEN IT ALLLLLLLLLLL CAME OUT. 5 minutes later it alllllllllllllll came out. SO now im tellin her that she needs to step up and stop letting ppl run over her. I know how hard that it. It took me years to BEGIN to step up. Some things still get to me....but i have taken control of alot of things in my life. ALL THE GUILT TRIPS...FUCK EM!! All the WELL U SHOULD DO THIS....FUCK THAT!!

ugh..i gotta get jon jon..see im fuckin up!!! ALICIA U GOTTA DO BETTER MAMI!!!!!

N damn i miss Dwayne. U SUX NEGRA!!! I hate that i love u!!!!! lol..not reallly...but i do but i dont. :-) LATERZ...let me get outta here

I wish i could put this song in my journal

i went to Dwayne's page and it was the same as usual. But one thing i noticed different was the song. Its called WHat Will It Take by Jah Cure. I was listening to it and i felt like he was speakin directly to me. Part of me wanted to say it could be any girl or maybe he just liked the song....but it was tooooooooooooooo close to home. SPECIFIC SHYT the dude was sayin like he wrote the song about us. As i was listening i got sooooooooooo caught up. I begin to feel in love and angry at the same time. TRUTH IS I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM! BUT MY LOVE WONT COME FORTH AT THIS MOMENT. I cant let him back in. I JUST CANT. I want to..i want us to be..but it's not the right time. I told him one thing and i was fearlessly honest with him...i told him that "so many ppl end up with the wrong person in life playing games, but thatz not what i deserve.. i want the person i love and who loves me".  I MEANT THAT TO THE FULLEST. In my heart i truly want it to be him. I know Jimmy likes me and now i know the extent to which he does...i like hm too even love him for the person he is...but im in love with Dwayne. I really am. I cant move away from that truth. I will by no means chase him. I willl by no means make him be with me. But the fact remains that i am deeply in love with him. Just hearing that song made  me want to call him just to tell him how much i do love him. HOWEVER, i hold myself back from divulging of my inner most feelings because i cant take being hurt again. I want to love. The way i feel right now....i dont want anyone else. That would kill Jiimmy on the inside. I know it would.  He wants to be with me, but i wont let him. I mean Me n Jimmy have gotten close because he actually tries to satisfy me. He actually comes to me and talks to me. He actually tells me he misses me and just wants to hug me. He has a busy schedule but takes time just to let me know he cares. That's somethin Dwayne doesnt get. I dont want all of his time. We both need our space..but i do want to know that i at least mean something. I dont want to have to ask. Jimmy always calls me and sends me texts tellin me he's thinkin of me not just IM THINKIN OF YOU....but wutever is on his mind. I hate that i'm comparing them, but........one sec 1:00am

1:19am Ok Jimmy is on the phone sleepin. He doesnt feel well and i know he needed comfort so i stayed on with him until he fell asleep. It's like when u put a child to sleep and u stay with em and hold them while they sleep. You can try to move when they are sleeping but they will wake up if you do...so u just stay there. I dont know why i do things like that, but somethin was saying that he didnt want me to leave. I'm listening to him sleep now. He sleeps so peaceful when i'm around. It's actually calming for me too. Just to hear him and be able to sit here not feeling alone. It's a great feeling i have. 

SO im sitting here wondering why Dwayne is so passive about how he feels. He says he loves me. He says i am like no other. Yet the actions say otherwise. I think its the age and time. The biggest problem is the sacrifice. I want him. I know i like Jimmy now but let's focus on my heart right now. The sad thing is i was just layin in the bed thinkin about Dwayne as i was talkin to Jimmy. I felt Dwayne's hand going up my back. I smelled him. I felt his lips on me. I had this emotional wave flow through me and it wasnt the one that leaves me throbbin..it was the one that leaves my body feeling happy and my heart beating. It was beyond sex. It was beyond a physical satiation. It was me and my love. I hate that i'm giving myself the chance to like Jimmy. I dont want to hurt him. I wont go running back to Dwayne, but i know deep down it'll surface sooner or later. He deserves a girl that will love him as much as i love Dwayne. That's why i just want to be alone. NO ONE GETS HURT BUT ME. I'll be ok with that tho. I'd rather bear the cross than watch someone else bear it for me. I'm lsitening to this song on his page and it's cutting me so deep. It's halfway angering me subconsciously. It's angering me in the sense that WHY CANT YOU JUST SAY THIS SHYT TO ME??!! My fear is...will i still be in love with him in a later period in life? In my heart i feel i will...but i dont know. I may talk to other guys...i may kiss other guys...but none of them compare to him. None of them make me feel like i do when im with him. It's not to say that another man couldnt...but i need to stop making excuses and feeling like i'm wrong. I WANT HIM. There i said it. I'm sorry Jimmy but i want DWAYNE. I want my light bright. I want my "interracial relationship"!!! He laughed so hard the day i said that in IHOP in Savannah to him. (Dwayne) I was like...."you know what....we're an interracial couple...wow..i always wanted to be in an interrracial relationship.,..n i didnt even realize i was cuz u aint black negro!!" He laughed for a good minute i know. But seeing that on his face....the smile...all that...it warmed my heart.

I just realized that i look for things in other men that he doesnt fulfill. I got so tired of tryin to tell him how i felt. It was like i was wrong for just having my feelings. He even told me i was negative. That i only look at what i dont have..i never look at what i do have. For a second i almost agreed with him and then i loooked at another angle n disagreed. ME OF ALL PEOPLE!! I am have always tried to make the best of anything. I AM TIRED OF SETTLING FOR SHYT! DAZ MY ISSUE. Andi wont settle for him being the way he is. I told him str8 up...i dont want anyone else. I WANT A BETTER HIM. But that takes time. Right now...the way he is is not helping who i am. I need postive reinforcement in my life. I need someone to run with me not someone i gotta drag along. Hell i need someone who's gonna make me run harder to keep up and not because im chasing them..but because we're running buddies and are pushing each other to be better. He doesnt have to chase me. HE JUST DOESNT REALIZE IT. But he aint bout to just get me either. SORRY. He got the key....wrong lock. And thatz somethin i wont accept. I dont care how a man tries to convinvce me...i kno wut i want now. I want a man who will satisfy me. IN EVERY ASPECT OF LIFE. I know that no man is superman...but if u SHOW me that you're tryin and that you care enough to satisfy me...then you SATISFY ME. As a woman i hate having to always spell shyt out. SOME THINGS I FEEL LIKE HE SHOULD AT LEAST TRY TO FIND OUT WITHOUT ME BEING THE FIRST TO INITIATE SHYT.

O and just to be on the str8 tip.....me n Jimmy have been intimate. No need to lie about it. It's not the physical part that i seek in him. I mean it is, but thatz not the meat of the main course. The meat is the fact that he tries to learn me. He asks me what i like. NOT JUST SEXUALLY. He allows himself to open up to me. OR HE'S A DAMN GOOD ACTOR!! I spent a weekend with him and we got initimate. It was crazy. THat's why im scared to allow myself to keep liking him. I know how much he wants me. I almost feel selfish because he fulfills the things i need. He gives me attention. He just shows me he misses me. I dont want to just be told these things...i want them to be sincere. It was great spending time with him...but i felt bad internally because Dwayne texted me while i was with him and i got this pissy attitude but i quickly shut the phone and said  F IT. I was mad because it shoulda been him that i was spending my weekend with. it was him that shoulda been not letting me go as we laid together. It shoulda been him that i was watching tv with. I did more with Jimmy in that one weekend emotionally than Dwayne n i have done period. It's like our emotional connections have alwys been within a time frame. It was emotional when we were together and as soon as we parted i had to wonder. With Jimmy...i waited for him to do me like that. He never did. He still was available for me. He still texted and called and talked to me eventhough we had spent the weekend together. He still tells me he misses me. He treats me as if im his girl even when im not. Neither one is worse or better...it just  hurts because im allowing another man to begin to get close to me when deep down i want ONE MAN. BUT i cant sit here and wait n wait n wait for this man to decide he wanna do right. I hate it because i feel weak. I feel like..."if i really love him then why cant i wait for him?" BUT WHY SHOULD I??!!! He aint making any VISIBLE effort to show me he wants me. A song on his page that IIIIIIIII had to come across myself is not effort. He doesnt even talk to me.  I havent spoken to him in a few weeks. So it's like...u trying to tell me somethn but u being passive about it...so that tells me you not ready for me so fuck it. I hate to say fuck it because deep in my heart it'll never be FUCK IT towards him....but i get so angry at him that all i can say is fuck it and mean...."whenever u decide u wanna do right i hope i still am in love." I openly admitted to Ivari that i love him. I really do. But no man will run over me. I am not passive at all. The south MADE me passive..but the SHEENA that was born aug 2, 1985 is nowhere near passive. This is why i try to just keep faith that God will keep love in my heart and that i wil be able to get myself together and he will too. I just miss him so much. I be wanting to kiss him and to just be in his arms. I dont want to always have sex, but i cant help it that i want him all the time. I miss his penis. No other penis has felt like that. It's like we have an emotional connection but its semi weak.  When he enters me i feel this sensation that is similar to exhaling after having held your breath too long. It's like a relief.  No one get hard like him. No one holds me like him. Jimmy is the closest thing to Dwayne. I hate that im comapring, but i cant help it. Between the two of them i'd still pick Dwayne..but right now it's Jimmy who satisfies me. Part of me feels bad. I'm not using him.  I really do like Jimmy....i just feel like why let him get so damn close when i know where my heart is. 

The time Me n Jimmy spent..o my gosh...i got soooooooo sentimental. I loved the way we slept. I woke up a couple time but only because my neck was halfway on the pillow. He was such a man yet so open with me. I love that. BE A MAN BUT TAKE CHARGE WHEN YOU NEED TO. OUr sex...was fun. I enjoyed gettin to know him. He is like an energizer bunny. We do it....we cum....(or one of does at least in each case) and then he kisses me and hugs me. We 69.....he comes for me while i'm sucking. I loved it. He came in my mouth but i didnt mind it. I didnt feel disrespected on bit. I just politely went to the restroom and spit. lol. THen i even got aggressive. I was scared to open up tho.  I didnt want to give him me just yet....but somethin in me opened up. I guess beacuse he was open n honest with me about certain things. I liked the fact that when we were laying in the bed...i felt like i was with him.  WHen his friend Mac called..he was asking me questions about girls...n it was crazy...because for a minute i felt like we were together. It's scary. It's very scary. Its like between Dwayne n Jimmy...i got the perfect man. N THATZ SAD!! They each give me ALL OF WHAT I WANT COMBINED n bits n pieces of what i want separated. *sigh* ,,,,n as i listen to Jon B's "love hurts" i think about it all. I feel like a bad person. Love should only be between 2 people...not 3. I feel like....i might have to give them both up. I dont want to let either one go. AND THATZ SELFISH!! Jimmy talks to me. He makes me part of his world. I feel like his friend. I feel like his girl when im with him and when im not with him. He never is too busy. We cant alwys talk but he makes time for me. I dont just call him....he calls me. He gets mad when he cant see me. I WANT ALL THAT!!! I know it seems like i want alot...but i need to know that im normal. I need to know that someone thinks about me not just because of what i can do for them. He'll tell me sometimes...."mami i just want to see you and give you a hug. that's all" THAT MELTS MY HEART AND SOMEWHAT TEARS IT UP.....cuz then wut happens? I get a text randomly from Dwayne sayin "peach"....that always sends chills through me. I remember when he said it aloud one time in the most open moment he's had with me n it drove me crazy. I felt needed...i felt wanted...i felt like i was number 1. Or he'll text me.."i miss you like crazy.." He j ust doesnt know. The shyt he does affects me alot. WHICH IS WHY..i'm like.....either love me all the way or leave me the hell alone....KNOWIN DAMN WELL I NEVER WANT HIM TO LEAVE..I JUST WANT HIM TO GET IT TOGETHER!!! 

*sigh* i've talked enough. I've been all over the place with this subject.

On another note...i've been enjoying the single life. No random sex or kissing random ppl. Cant say i havent wanted to..but that's not me. But i've come to accept ALICIA. I am no longer hiding Alicia. I am no longer holding myself back. I tried somethin that i have been wanting to. I've always wanted to know my attraction to women. I've alwys been attracted to beauty. At frist it was sexual...but now..it's moreso a journey to find my comfort zone with girls. I was in atl this weekend and Ivari n i were in walmart with Tee, Marcelle, N Reese. it was crazy cuz this girl was on the phone and she like walked up on us kinda hard. It threw me off at first cuz i was like....WTF!!! CHICK MOVE DAMN!! ALL THAT DAMN SPACE!!! SO then we lookin at panties....so we walk to a different area...n there she is!! So then we walk over to the hygiene area...N THERE SHE IS!! Ivari's like.."i think she likes u". LOL!! WOW. Ivari already knows im bi-curious. But she wasnt my type. I mean she was aight..i do like light skin....but somethin about her pushed me away..n i listen to my gut. (n i dont just like light skin..i love em all if they attractive and carry themselves a certain way) But yea...it was crazy.....cuz i have been approached on numerous occassions. But all the approaches have been wrong. They were like really aggressive dudes..n i'm like...i want NORMAL. Dont whistle at me n shyt. I dont like that. JUST BE YOURSELF PLEASE. But yea...i met Pheara. She's a cutie n a lifeguard. I like that she's more of my type. She's 21 and says she's looking for her purpose. THe way we conversate....is interesting. SHe's a sweetheart so far. And she's very lady like. MOst times when girls approach me they be boyish. I mean thatz ok but i prefer a girly girl. If i wanted a boy i'd just get one. We'll see how far she gets. I told her i was moving back home and she said she wants to come see me. We talked about what each other wants...n i'm not sure if i want anything serious. It's hard enough being in love with Dwayne. I know he n i cant be together now and it hurts me deeply...but to love another like that...i dunno if i can handle it. I dont think i want to. But i like her as a person. She's so cool to just chill n talk to. I told her i'd do he hair. Lol. She always has this peacock hairstyle thingy..n i'm like...hmmmmmmmmm....lol. We;ll see...i'm off to chat..brb if anything interestig happens. MUUUUUUUAHZ.

(O yea...Sean texted me yesterday saying wuts up babe. WOW!! N he texted me again tonight....thatz different. LOL...n i swear me n venus are in the same damn boat. NEGROS WITH GIRLS LIKING US. But i made it clear..i'm not lookin for a man. SORRY. We can be friends sure...but together..FUCK NO...ONE U GOT A GIRL...TWO IM MOVING...THREE THROUGH TEN YOU GOT A DAMN GIRL!!! LMAO!!)

im thinking

 Im in the lesbian chat on BP and i have made a few chat friends.....if u will call them that. I can always go there any time of the day and find this chicks up. Some of em know i am bi-curious..but most dont. I just feel comfy without drama. But somethin that gets to me....is that i dont have real friends in life that i can chill with like i chill with them. We dont have to want anythnig from each other. We dont have to just see each other because we going out or they need somethni from me or me from them....we can just chill.  I was talkin to Eliette earlier and she was telling me how her sister had some friends over and they were just chilling. I kinda got jealous on the inside cuz i'm thinkin to myself..."i want to just chill with friends in my own place". I NEED TO FEEL LOVED!! THatz my issue right now. I dont want sex. I dont want anything of the physical nature unless its TOTALLY RIGHT AND MUTUAL. I just want to have a goood time with FRIENDS and not feel like this friend has this wall up n that friend has that wall up. Within the circle of friends from high school..i feel like i never really was a friend, but that i was an associate. Yea i spent time..yea i did alot of things with them...yea we went places.....but personally..i never knew any of em. Dana never called me a day in her life unless it was to get somethin. And honestly i never felt comfortable callin her because we really dont have shyt to talk about except gossip..n im not feeling that.  I wanted to get to know her, but i always felt like i wasnt good enough just to be a friend. It wasnt her fault...just the feeling i got. Plus i need to be within a certain proximity of all my friends and she always kept ppl distant from her. Nicole...i only really spent time laughin with her. I think the closest we ever got was when i rode back to statesboro withher when we performed with Ivari for the GSU IDOL 2006 return performance. We talked, but it was still too surfaced. It's not that i want to be so damn deep..it's just that i feel like i know nothing about these girls yet i do know things. Jacquita....she n i never really talked..but lately we have been trying to kinda break through alot. I dont want to make it a O I HEARD U WERE COMIN HOME SO IMMA HIT YOU UP type thing. I have been feeling the most comfortable around her lately. Ivari..well she n i were the closest. I still see her as sis, but when we went off to college i feel like we kinda outgrow our bond from high school. It turned from let's make each other feel better to "lets talk about ivari's man issues n then get busy when Alicia just needs a friend". But again..i dont blame her. I know she always comes to me because she feels like im the one that will care for her heart most. AND I DO. It's just that inside me i need just as much attention as the next chick. I need to know i have friends that will just hit me up just because and not to always check up on me. But im guilty of the same thing. I still consider Vernita my bestfriend but we rarely talk. She's pregnant and i havent even been to see her. FOR ONE i dont have a car,...but i've been to atl clubbing. Hell i coulda tried to stop by but it wouldnt have been a decent hour. I feel so far away from her. I miss her like hell. Now she is the one i felt most open with. Not just to be an ear, but i felt completely open with her and ok with being myself. WHen she needed i had her back..when i needed she damn sure had mine. I just sometimes wish that i had been taught how to live and cope with others. I feel like on the inside i instantly block ppl or repel ppl because instantly off theback i'm wondering.,.."what do they want from me?" I dont want to be that way. It's hard not to think it. WHen ppl approach me i see the small hint of fear to stay and talk. I feel the barrier between us and i dont know if my face does weird things when ppl look at me, but it's like i be disappointed because i have such a hard time just making friends. I dont want to make just guy friends. I want to make all friends. Me n Venus...we've gotten somewhere around that...but it's still offy because when we hang out we're always going out somewhere. SO it's like..i dont want her to feel like i'm just her going out buddy and that we cant just be friends. I mean i know we not joined at the hip, but i would like for her to feel ok with me. I know we text alot but when i quit this job imma try to get a diff schedule so i'll have time to actually talk to my friends at regular hours and not always JUST TEXT them. How can someone get close to you if all you do is text? I wonder that alot.

I know i'm rambling..but my thoughts are racing. This is a touchy subject with me. It's like....my phone never rings now. It rang all the time when i was with Gary..but that was because we were dating. BUT IS THAT WUT IT TAKES?? I have to date ppl for them to just call me and for me to call them? Hell maybe i needa start dating guys n girls. I dont just want my phone ringing..i just want to be normal. I want to feel like someone gives a damn about me and i give a damn about them. I want to break through this USUAL and step into the UNUSUAL..which is usual for MOST ppl. I know i cant be ms perfect, but i do want relationships with my friends. Intimate platonic relationships. THIS IS WHAT BOTHERS ME SO  MUCH ABOUT DWAYNE. Before i dated him he was my friend. But after we started dating....it all flipped. AND i dont know if i was never really a friend but moreso a want. I always considered him friend...but i also alwys didnt fully trust him. It wasnt distrust as in i was accusing him of somethin....i just alwys felt distant. LIKE WE ONLY CAME TOGETHER FOR A FEW PURPOSES AND AFTER THAT WE HAD NOTHING. But how do u fall in love with someone that you're not fully connected to? CUZ I DAMN SURE FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM. I still am :-( sadly. I mean i'm happy to know love, but sad that things are the way they are...however i have a heart of love and that will never die out. I just wonder is it me that needs to be worked on so that ppl can approach me and feel comfy with staying near me? I KNOW PPL FEEL IT. I know i give off certain magnetic vibes and certain repellent vibes. I KNOW I DO!!! I just really want it fixed.

On aanother note..i flat ironed my hair. I wont be doin it alot. I just did it to see how long it was. it's gettin longggggg. yay!!! I want it down my back like it used to be tho. I gotta find the best way to maintain it tho. I know i got split ends. I DONT WANNA CUT MY HAIR!!!! ugh. But i may have to. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SHYT!!! Here's a pic. :-)




WHere: DJango
WHEN: Nov 3rd
WHY: ALicia's going away party
TIme: Dinner @ 10 (everyone be there by 9:45)
FEELINGS: EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

N i decided...i'm not inviting anyone that i feel will piss me off or make my night sour....so yea!! That ex'ed out a FEW PPL!! O WELL!! ITS MY PARTY!!!! N i dont mean to be a bitch, but i been trying to stay positive these days and lingering on shyt aint what will keep me happy nor positive. SO YEA!!! NEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXT!!! I want to get a cake too. Sheet cake. WOOOO!!!  I wonder how ppl feel about CHOCOLATE..hmmm...i kow the traditional is whyte or yellow..buti realy want chocolate...:-( we'll seee how much this all adds up to. IM EXCIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. Gotta go. Laters. muuuuahz 


 ....so yea....i'm sitting here with only one thing on my mind.....PLANNING!!! I been tryin to  keep my brain focused on positives so that my last days in the south go by smoothly. Tonight i came home with a mission. I was gonna find out about DJANGO for my going away party. I havent brought it out to everyone because the plans have changed a few times. So i figured....FIND THE DEAL n then ask the last few ppl that i KNOW will be there. (i had already added them in the count anywayz just to be safe)..........so i get sidetracked...as usual. lol. N i go on myspace. I received a few messages....cool. I got a pic comment...ok. I check all that n then somethin just made me scroll down my friend's list. So i do n i see Gary in my top. I usually dont click it just to keep my head on str8, but i did tonight. So ok..i can deal with the fact that he toook me off his top. That's fine. I never took him off mine but wutever helps him sleep better at night is fine with me. Then i scroll down n as i was going back up to go to my page i looked down...n who do i see. THIS TIERA girl on his comments. So in my head i'm like...."he made such a big fuss about how much she hurt him and that he wouldnt talk to her n everytime her name was mentioned he had this ugly face....so why is she on his wall?" But then i thought...well maybe she was just trying to talk to him n make friends. I mean it's a free country right??? SO I let it go. NOTTTTTT!! LOL. I swear i got this magical power man!! WHEN I NEEDA SEE SOMETHING GOD BE ON ME HARD!!! EITHER HIM OR THE DEVIL!! HELL!! So as i was about to leave her page...somethin said click her pics. SO  i did. Then somethin said open a certain album..so i did. N somethin said CLICK THIS PICTURE...i did. It kinda scared me..cuz it ws the same feeling that took  over me when i found out Abram was cheating through his email. So i'm thinking... "WHY THE HELL AM I EVEN ON THIS GIRL PAGE?? WE DONT GO TOGETHER SO WHY DO I CARE?? I REALLY DONT!!!" But it was not about us going together. After i saw what i saw..it was the principle of the fact. ONE THING I HATE IS WHEN SOMEONE TALKS BAD ABOUT SOMEONE!! I MEAN SO BAD THAT THEY MAKE YOU THINK THEY WOULD NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS DEAL WITH THIS PERSON AGAIN...N THEN U SEE OTHERWISE. SO rather than me paraphrasing...imma use good ol copy n paste. (the funny shyt about it all..her page was ALWAYS priv..now it just so happpens to be OPEN...then what do i see...titles on her pics that I USED as my headlines at some point n time of my myspace life..n i dont mean similar..I MEAN EXACT TITLES...like IMPERFECT PERFECTION...daz my shyt!!! LOL i'm stupid. But it just pisses me off that ppl would be fake like that!! I have always felt like she was secretly competing with me.,..n i'm sure he probably went running back to her like he did to me when she didnt wanna be with him..bad mouthing me n shyt...but it's cool....cuz now..i dont trust him as my friend.) 

who is that luv-uh-lee lady??
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Love don't wanna leave...

October 1, 2006 3:57 PM
that luv-uh-lee lady is tha angel that God sent from heaven better known as tiera.

[*side  note* She's very pretty. I never hated on her. I honestly feel like she could be a model if she pursued it...(yea thatz right...he called her angel...but who was she 3 months ago....the bitch)] So i'm like...who cares that he's commentin on her pics. That's him..he's free to do wutever his single mind tells him. WHAT I DONT LIKE...is the bullshyt ass way he does things. He bitches n moans about how someone treats him..theeeeeeeeeeeennnn manipulates ppl into feeling sorry for his ass n doesnt tell the TRUTH about how he feels. FUCK YO PRIDE!! NIGGA GROW THE FUCK UP!! But you know what though....i'm glad i saw this. I really am. AND HE POSTED IT this month...so she was THE BITCH...n now she the ANGEL eh?? WOW GARY!! REAL MATURE!! It helps me though. Cuz i felt bad. I did. But i know what i have to do for me and NO ONE will stop me. I actually felt like he was so alone n all that bullshyt. But you know what...i'll never cater to a lying ass negro. NEVER WILL!! When u show me your true self...THATZ IT. And i know deep down that he's not all bad..just immature. He was a sweet person, but only when he got his way. JUST LIKE HIS DAMN MOTHER!!! N i didnt like her ass either. IF SHE CUT ONE MORE DAMN BANANA FOR THE DAMN PUDDING I SWEAR I WAS GONNA CUT HER!! DONT GET MAD AT ME CUZ YOUR HUSBAND WAS GIVING ME THE EYE EVERYTIME I CAME TO YOUR HOUSE AND THAT HE ATE MY BANANA PUDDING AND ASKED FOR MORE!!! CONTROLLING HAG!! (ok...i'm goood...lol. See how i be holding shyt in. I never even told Gary that. But everytime i came to their house he was always around....or like striking up convo on the sly. N any time she came around he quickly left or had this twisted look on his face like he instantly got a headache. Thatz why i stopped tryin to start convos with his mom n step dad. I didnt feel like going through possible bullshyt) But the other half of me stops me and asks for forgiveness and for the maturity to just let go of the anger and feeling of betrayal. One thing i do acknowledge is that i love God for showing me truth and giving me the power to not feel sorry for ppl. I thank him for my lesson learned. And as far as inviting him to my party..FUCK NO! NOT! AINT GONNA HAPPEN! I'd probably smack the shyt out of him the minute his eyes even looked at me. 
I dont know what this is that's in me that wont allow me to trust ppl. I try so hard to give ppl the benefit of the doubt. Even Gary....the most sensitive guy i think i'll ever encounter. but obviously sensitive ppl are full of bullshyt too. lmao!! So as always...i trust God n only God. IMMA BYTCH THESE DAYS!! But dont ever call me that cuz i'll fuck you up!!


I do hope Kris can come though. I know she has Leah and im kinda hesitant to ask because i dont want her to feel awkward but i also dont want to leave her out. I wish i coulda spent more time with her. I really do. Ima ask her anywayz. And if she cant i'll just find a way to spend time with her before i go. AM I MEAN TO NOT ASK GARY TO COME TO MY PARTY?? My heart says FUCK NO.....but right now i'm just angry. UGH I HATE HAVING A GOOD SIDE!! I WANNA BE MEAN DAMMIT!! I WANNA BE COLD!!! I WANA SAY FUCK YOU TO THOSE PPL WHO PISS ME OFF AND WHO I DONT TRUST!! UUUUUUUUUUUUGH!! 

lol...i'm good. 

work out

SO yea....i just got through workin out...it wasnt as much as i wanted to, but it's a start. I've become lazy. I've let alot of shyt get to me...n i dont want to be that way anymore. I am in a mode of not letting ppl stop me from what i need to do. I got so many damn leeches right now trying to attach themselves to me. WONT HAPPEN!!! I've been pullin em off one by one.  YAY!! lol. O yea...i got my hair twisted up. MY OWN HAIR. I hate it though. It's too damn short. I hate short hair on me. I'm not comfortable with it. So i'm waiting to let it go. (GOD THIS GIRL IS GETTIN ON MY NERVES!!! I hate when someone tries to keep talkin to you after you tell them you are angry and dont feel like talkin. IT'S LIKE... I JUST TOLD U!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE UNTIL IM NOT ANGRY ANYMORE..I'LL TALK TO YOU WHEN IM GOOD!!! SHYT!!!) Anywayz....back to ME!!! So yea....Jimmy is textin me...E is pissin me off in de IM..n Vance is sendin me notes sayin he wishes we could work out together. RIGHT!!!! I BET!!! lol. ugh...wut about my me time!!??!! Seems like the only time i get that is when im sleepin. lol. Why is it that whne im lonely n want company no one's around but when i want to be in my world n alone everyone pops up!!??!! Hmm.......imma study that one closely

O yea...i bought my ticket home today. I was gonna drive...but i said FUCK IT. The rental for 2 days woulda been 54o somethin bucks because of the diff drop  off location. I didnt want to fly but it was 97 bucks(thatz with taxesn all..originally was 84)...n u cant beat that shyt!!! I am flying american airlines....non stop. So i'll be in the air for 2 hours n some change. UGH!!! Ima pop a pill n be good. And i got an afternoon flight...so yea. NO EARLY MORNING SHYT!! yay!!!! I gota purchase a ticket for Jacquita's graduation tho. They cheap now..but i really dont want to dish out 200 just yet,,,BUT i know if i wait...i'll have to dish out even more. *sighhhhhhh* WHEREZ MY SUGAR DADDY WHEN I NEED HIM??!!! 

In other news...dude from my job..SHawn. Yea..let's talk about him. I saw him maybe a month ago..n i thought he was so attractive. He's taller than me...maybe 6 ft. I always liked that. He's muscular n skinny but not poor skinny. The first thing i noticed about him was the way he dressed. Always neat and fitted, but not "gay fitted". Excuse the lingo... so yea. His arms are very nice. Eventhough he always wears a tshirt, i can tell they are well defined. His hair is low cut and a nice mustache. HOWEVER...the one thing i always notice...THE EYES!! His eyes are weird to me. They say..."i'm a sweetheart but i'm playing around right now...but if the right one comes imma sweetheart". HOW DID I GET ALL THAT OUT OF LOOKING INTO THEM FOR 10 SECONDS WHEN HE WASNT LOOKING??! ASK GOD. lol.  SO yea...we been playin cat n mouse sorta ever since i first approached him. I noticed him staring at me but he never spoke. SO I SPOKE FOR HIM. Ever since that day it's been weird....i'll speak...or he'll sit at my table here n there or i'll "bother" him when i dont have any work. It's not an every day thing, but it happens. ALot of the time i no tice him looking at me from where he works. He works in the middle of the building and i work more towards tha back where shipping is. It's far enough not to be all in each other's mouths but close enough to see facial expressions.  So yea i'll glance up randomly sometimes and see him looking back. He smiles. So last night...he sat with me on last break and we chilled til it was time to go back out. Then i went n talked to him til it was time to go home. He knows i like him, but i made it clear that i'm not looking for anything. PLUS THERES A MISSING LINK....he has a girlfriend. I called that from day one. I was askin him how old he was and where he was from. he's 21 from Miami originally but his family moved here when he was in high school. (sux penis..lol) SO yea..he's here in macon working. I could tell by the look on his face that he had a girlfriend. And he wore this shirt yesterday that said "i'm taken" which tells me that he at least acknowledges his girl when he has one. BUT THE ISSUE WITH HIM IS...he's with her but he says he doesnt see it going anywhere. My first thoughts from the jump...."you got a girl so i aint even tryin to get to know you like that.... friends is cool". I mean i feel like...if you gonna be with your girl..stay with her and u know u unhappy..but "get to know me on the sly" then what makes me solid in the accepting that you'll treat me right if we were to ever try to get to that point? AND THATZ WHERE I STOP. Talking to him is cool. I enjoy his company when we do...makes time go by fast. he's a lilttle paranoid though. Just tells me that he got somethin to say that he AINT saying...but it's cool. I aint even tryin to get that deep.BUT it also reminds me of Marcus. He says one thing and acts another. It's like...if somethin is worth it then why not go after it..UNLESS ITS NOT WORTH AS MUCH S U MAKE IT SEEM!!??!! N that's where i draw the line. I'm no one's fool ya know. So yea..back to mister Shawn Bryant. He comes outside last night after work and im waiting on my cuz to get me...he walks by and then doubles back....stops in front of me n says HEY. lol. i'm like..HI. Then he was like..."get this number real quick.." HOWEVER...my phone was dead so i told him..he could have mine if he wanted. He looked worried but took it anywayz. LOL. I love when ppl show me their true colors!! I never say anything..i just peep it n store it in the memory bank. His look said to me "im giving you my number so you can call me so that if my girl ever finds out that im talkin to u i can easily say SHE CALLED ME FIRST"....or make up some other lame excuse. LOL. I love it though. I know he doesnt want to be with her but it aint my place to say anything about that. THATZ ON HIM. We'll see how shyt goes. Until then im having fun making him nervous. lmao!!!

IM SO DAMN MEAN!! N I DONT CARE!!! lol. O n George wants to fly me out to Florida to see him...NEGATIVE!!! U AINT GETTIN NO BOOTY!!! N MARCUS....well his ass dun have time nor do i...so yea..we'll leave that alone too. ITS JUST BEEN FUN HAVING MEANINGLESS ENCOUNTERS WITH  A BUNCH OF BULLSHYT BEING TALKED IN MY EAR. GOTTA LOVE THE SINGLE LIFEEEE!!!! 

O n when i go to NY imma be an ever HARDER AZZ!!! FUCK THEM NEGROES!! DONT TRUST EM!!!

Update...Dwayne is supposed to be giving me the teddy bear i requested from him to take to NY with me. I really want that memory in my heart forever.  Something to just keep that i loved. I'm giving him the mona lisa he bought me back. I want him to hold it for me til i can come back n get it. I dont want it messed up or misplaced. It was the sweetest thing he did for me. I had been telling him how much i wanted it and then they discontinued it. So he didnt tell me, but he pulled some strings to find the exact one and paid more than the price for it. When he gave it to me i was like...WOWWWWWWWWW!! ARE U SERIOUS!! I didnt know he had done all that just for me. He never even mentioned anything about it. Just showed me he cared way more than i ever imagined. Big parts of me wish that we never went the way we did, but other parts of me say ITS LIFE AND YOU CANT LEARN IF SHYT IS HANDED TO U WITH NO EFFORT. MOre than anything i just wanted him to be my friend....to allow me to be close to him. He pushes ppl away n only lets em get so close to him n i didnt want that. But it's coool. 

The other person i'm thinkin about right now..i dont have time to write everything i feel..so i'll save it for another time. But i hope that he's ok. I did somethin i didnt want to..i stopped contact. I didnt give him my new number for a reason. He'll have it when we can JUST BE FRIENDS. But as of right now...naw. I took a friend's advice n made the move to make things better. Sometimes a sting is better than a full burn. DAMN THIS CHICKEN IS GOOD!!!!

I'm off now!!! muuuuuuahz. lovayaaaa


Soooooooooo...this weekend i went to ATL with Venus for a night out. I told her this was my last time going out until it was time for me to leave for NY. I need to save money. SO YEA............. we went to the VERVE. Tihs spot on Peachtree..next to Django..the spot we went to last time. I saw online where it was a 3 level club..so i was like YAY!!! SEXY!!! So yea...we get there around 10 ish....chill outside....use the restroom in Gladys Knights Chicken n Waffles cuz we were sippin on Bicardi breezers on the way. So yea....when she went to use the restroom...this waiter came outside to call a party n he spotted me. I'll show you the picture of wut i wore at the end of the entry. He stopped..looked at me...n smiled. I guess he had to speak before he could move on. HE WAS CUTE TOO!! WOOOOOOO. So yea....he was like..."you too cute to be standing all by yourself..you waiting on someone?" N i was like..."yea my friend.." I meant to say GIRL..lol. He probably thought i meant my man. (UHHHHHHHH NUUUUUUUUUUH!!) So then he went outside and when he came back he stared at me until i made contact n he smiled all the way in the door. Asked me where i was from...i told him...n then Venus came (DAMN!!!) n so i was like.."you have a nice evening" *SMILE*. I was gonna ask for his number...but she was walkin out kinda fast. BUT I SHOULD HAVE cuz as soon as we got outside some dude stops her n she stops n talks for like friggin 15 minutes!! Im like DAMN CHICK!!!! But hey...who am i to block? So i walked ahead n stopped at the fence. So she finally comes on sayin "my bad girl...he was cute..minus the gold teeth....i got his humber"...yada ya.. n We cross the street to go in to the club. I wish i had known how to get on the damn list cuz we had to pay 20 to get in. UGH!!! I never pay to get in a damn club. SO YEA....we already started off SORE going inside. So i'm lookin inside n i see this one semi big ass room. I'm like.."THIS IS IT??!!" I instantly felt lied to again..but by the internet this time. (I had a couple friends tell me the HOUSE was like visions...n it was NOTHING LIKE VISIONS!!!) So yea...we walkin..it's gettin crowded...n we find this lil spot sorta near the bar. I'm scoping the room...n in my mind i'm thinking.."WHERE THE HELL IS ATLANTA'S FINEST??!! DAMN AINT NO ONE HERE I WOULD EVEN THINK OF AS EYE CANDY!!!" Maybe it was the liquor...but i was in a pissy mood already. BUT....my motto is..HEY!!! MAKE THE BEST OF IT!!........So i did. lol. We got A drink...n when i say A drink...thatz all we got cuz they were friggin expensive and no guys were trying to offer to buy us any, (SEE WHAT I MEAN!! WHERE WERE ATL's FINEST that dont look at price..just ask you what you drinking...*sigh*) The Dj was ok..he started out good...n then when ppl got thick he went to downsouth stuff...WHY DO THEY AL:WAYS DO THAT HERRE??! DAM!!! I almost gave him props too. UGH!! So yea....we went to the bathroom..came back out to our spot. Venus bet me this dude would talk to her in 3 minutes...n i bet her less than a minute. I WON!!! 30 secs yo!!! He had been eyeing her since we stood there n then he did this lame turn around move just to look at her. LMAO!!! GUYS!!!!!!!!!!! So then we were like F THIS..let's go to the second level (we found out from the bathroom attendent that there really was 3 levels..u just have to go up a certain way.) So yea..we went out the back way...which seemed unsafe. It could've just been me though cuz i hate anything that looks like a fire escape. N thatz what it was. So yea..we went to the second level....walked around...MUSIC WAS BETTER...but the crowd still sucked. This guy started talkin to me. I like him though. He was cute. (older.....yea...um...not too old tho) And he could dance. He grabbed my hand n when danced when they started playing some really good songs. The dj on this level was MUCHHHHHHHHH better!! Even play some GHOSTFACE..i was like MY BOYYYYYYYY!!! He played all the new shyt but alot of the old classics that wasnt necessarily old skool. I gave him props twice cuz he was good and he was white. (you dont find that!!!) So yea....we were still bored tho. I mean the dude i was dancing with was fun...but this guy that was on Venus..he was creepy. And i wasnt tryin to get my groove on knowing my girl was being harrassed. He like walked by her n stared her down n tried to touch her face. LMAO!! ANOTHER LAME!! I swear she be attractin the CRAZIESSSSSS!!! lol. (shhhh) So then she gave me the sign...the "i'm READST TA GO!!!" sign. lol. So we bounced. We went back downstairs n i was like UGGGGGGGGGGGGH cuz they were 2 steppin n walkin it out..n im like HOW LONG AGO WAS THIS SHYT!!! DAMN!! n they i hear SOULJAH BOI...n i throw my hands up. I was like "FUCK NO!! IM SICK OF THIS!!!" So i was like..girl we goin back upstairs. We get to the stairs on the inside of the club n theres a line. HEL TO DA NAW I AINT WAITING IN LINE ON SOME DAMN STAIRS!!! HOW GAY DOES THAT LOOK!!!??!! So we walk back down n i was like "yo lets go out the back way again.."  it was like some kinda mission i swear!! Agent Williams n Gomes are on it!! lol. We get outside n these dudes are just going up the stairs..they turn around...n instantly stop. They start talkin to us. We start telling them how we gonna bounce cuz the club is lame....n dude in front of us (later to be named Willie Dee) was like.."naw naw naw just come with us..we in vip" In our minds we thinking its a pick up line..but he was funny so we gave him our time. We was like..well if it aint true we can always dip n bounce on they ass. 

WHEN I TELL YOU HE WAS TELLJN THE TRUTH..HE WAS TELLING THE TRUTH. I AM STILL SHOCKED AS SHYT. HOW IN THE FEEEZZZZZZZZZZZY WE GO FROM DANCING IN A CLUB WE NOT FEELING TO BEING ON THE ROOFTOP WITH LUDACRIS. I later found out that Carl Thomas was there too. (he's tall..in CONTRAST TO LUDA!!! i was taller than luda in heels man!!! but he a cool ass cat!!) So we end up on the roof top. Lovely atmosphere....it was like a private club in a club. Drinks all night....FIJI water...lol. And we just was chillin. The DJ this time was on HIP HOP. So he stayed real on all the hip hop greats. Biggie..pac...outkast..n on n on. It was more of a chill mode n mingle atmosphere. And everyone was so damn nice to us. I was like..OUT OF ALL THESE GIRLS..WHY THEY PICK US??!! HEre'z what i wore

 I mean i know im not ugly...but there were plenty other girls who were skinnier or thicker than me who was ready to serve up some azz...lol. (boy did luda have some groupies...i hadda tell one that she should lsiten to me about not askin for pics cuz his bouncer woulda cursed her out. I WAS THE NICE WAY OUT..but did she listen? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! stupid hoe!! lmao!!!) So yea..i wasnt complaining at all. I enjoyed everything. It was a little boring at first because i felt like i was just standing around...but then it livened up. N i swear all the guys in vip with us looked like someone famous. lol. Willie looked like he could be an older Chris Brown
lmao!! There was his brother who looked like Ginuwine. The other guy loooked like Diddy. It was crazy. But i enjoyed how humble n peaceful the atmosphere was. No one was flashing money...trying to look fly..they were just cool. I LOVED THAT. I felt so normal. KNOWIN DAMN WELL MY BACK ACCOUNT IS NO WHERE NEAR THEIRS!! lol!! So yea..Luda's bouncer had a brother. His name was Greg. Greg was very attractive to me, but he had on shades. So i later found out that he wasnt a lame..he was just in a bet with a girl about em. lol. He was funnny too. He was like.."I CANT SEE A DAMN THING!!! BUT I BETCHU IMMA WIN!!" lol. He was attracted to me n i was him. He was 32 but he didnt look it. He kept rubbing my arms cuz i was cold....n it felt so damn nice. N the sexiest thing he did was attempt to be sincere. He kept staring at me..n was like..."your skin is so soft...every chance i get i just want to touch your arms.."lmao!!! N then he moved my hair of my shoulders n was like.."i wanna see your neck...u hiding it." it was sweet... very sweet. But i dont think he thought i was feeling him. I actually wanted to go n sit with him privately..but between me n Venus having to pee...n then coming back...n not seeing him anymore...i lost him. THEN MARCUS stepped in out of nowhere. N i'm like...WHERE ARE ALL THESE NEGRAS COMING FROM!! DAMN!!! LIKE SOME ROACHES!!! lol. But he was fine too. NOW THERE WERE ALOT OF FINE DUDES IN VIP...practically all of em...well not all..but damn near. ( o yea..gotta tell you about Mister Tom....he was 37..so he says...from England which i could tell in his voice. He approached me n was like..."you're very beautiful..how are you?" Then we commenced to converse. I liked him because it was easy talkin to him. His convo was great..engaging..and fun. He had me laughing the whole time. Then he asked me if i wanted a drink. He got me one...n i said thank you as he ordered. He looked at me as if i had shot him or something. lol. He was like GIRL PLEASE!!! So then we went back outside and continued talking..and then somewhere in between talkin about why i was single he tried to kiss me. ENNNN ENNNNNNNNN!!!! NOT!! PAUSE BUTTON!! He was like.."what? you're so beautiful i just cant help it.." N after i fully rejected kissing him he was like ok thatz fine. Then maybe 2 minutes later he had to use the restroom...he left...i walked deeper into VIP..n that was the last i spoke to him. AHHHHHH WELLLZ. Venus was like there go ol buddy...n i waved it off. lol. i just didnt like that he tried to kiss me on the lips after JUST HAVING MET ME NO MORE THAN AN HOUR...i was good..i dont do stuff like that. NOT A TYPICAL CLUBBER YA KNOW!!) SO yea...back to the story....THEN COMES MISTER MARCUS (not the porno star..ugh...hate him)  He sees me n was like.."you better smile girl" then he flashed this fly ass smile. N O MY GOSSSSSSSSSSSSH!! I was IN LIKE!!! lmao!! (never love...just like) By  this time it was the end of the night and things were wrapping up. Im surprised Luda stayed that long. He was cool as pie. Me, Willie, n Venus danced in an ol skool sandwich. HE FELT GOOD...lol. all the guys were lookin at him with jealousy in their face. I mean..no one was realy dancing. SO YOU KNOW!! HELL!! But we danced and it was fun. Luda was silly...he leaned over n was like "GO WILLIE!! GO WILLIE!!" lmao!!! I laughed so damn hard. I never really looked him in the eye while he was lookin at me. I mean i wanted to speak but i didnt want him to feel anything other than normal. So i left that part off. He shook hands that night but i could tell that he just wanted to chill. He didnt frown at anyone...but i could feel it..so i let him chill without being all in his face n stuff.  SO MISTER MARCUS. He was talkin to me..n then i thought he was like gonna leave..but he didnt. I kinda was lookin to talk to Greg but after i realized he was gone....i stoppped being disappointed and just talked to Marcus. I didnt mean to be rude but he was really sweet to me. He kinda reminded me of my daddy. :-) So yea...Marucs...we talkin and i start to see that he's interested. He's into affection. He began to treat me as if he'd come there with me. I dont know if that was a front or if he truly liked me. I mean since we met...i'm still wondering. When Venus saw him come to me she gave me this big ass grin. She was like DAMN GIRL!! HE FINE!! lol..i mean i thought so too....but i had already had a disappointment once..so i stopped lookin at fine n wanted to see just how much he really was interested. The only thing i did though was i was a little out of character. I think i let the fact that i was super attracted to him get to me. I usually will curse a guy out for putt his hands on my ass or tryin to rub on it inside my pants. But he was so damn sexy and his touch was nice. I cant say what was into me. Im not ashamed of it...i just look back n know that that was out of character for me. In my mind he sorta gave me the things i wanted from a man in a tiny package within 5 mins. AND I WAS CAUGHT UP.From the time he approached me he treated me as if he wanted me n only me. He held me...rocked with me....grabbed my hand...locked his fingers in mine..looked into my eyes as we talked..i just felt so wanted. He did this in front of a bunch of fine ass women...luda...n all his business buddies..so im like..WOW most men do shyt on the sneaky tip so they wont seem like a lovey dovey punk.  AND TO TOP IT OFF I WAS ATTRACTED...so when u get it all in one go round..it's hard to be MIZZ HARDAZZ GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME B4 I STAB UR AZZ!! So i let him feel on my butt...hell i wanted him to really..but shhhhhhhhhh dun tell anyone. lol. (riggggggggggggght!!) So yea..in my mind i was still debating with myself.."is he for real or is this an act? Is this his lil WEB OF DECEIT TO GET ME!!??!!!" I'm still wondering that. But yea..we went to breakfast...me, him n Venus. N after he droppped us off @ her car n he hugged me. He smelled so damn good.....teeth were so damn pretty...n his eyes reminded me of Dwayne's eyes. My heart was so friggin full of infatuation. lmao!! (no one has eyes better than Dwaynes. I love his eyes. they are sooooooooo magnetic...n i fall in love everytime i see them..so i instantly thought to myself..damn he reminds me of Dwayne) So he hugged me in the car and then he fucked up. It kinda pissed me off too. I was like DAMN I WAS JUST ABOUT TO DO SOMETHIN I DONT DO!! AND YOU FUCKED IT UP BRUH!!! I was gonna kiss him. I wanted him just that much to go against my own damn rule. BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT GOD IS GOOD!! lol. Cuz as soon as i was about to do it...he leaned over n started kissin on my neck..NEGATIVE BUDDY!!!! It felt so damn good...but somethin inside of me wouldnt let me give into that part. It felt like..."so u buttering me up just to get what u want...well u aint gettin my draws!!" N I MOVED BACK QUICKLY. Rolled my eyes n sighed really loud. AND JUST TO RUB HIS NOSE IN HIS MESS...i told him. I was like.."DAMN U FUCKED UP..i was jut about to kiss you too!!! BUT U MESSED UP DOING WHAT U JUST DID!!"  N he gets all dramatic like..."maaaaaaaaaaaaaan u foreal? DAMN!!!" blah blah blah. lol. N i kiss him on the forehead n get out the car. He'll be aight.

So since then.......he been texting me here n there. He finally said what he needed to. He finally said that he wanted to know how much i was feeling him...if i was.  He sent me a picture of him...but to me from what i saw to the pic he sent....it doesnt do him justice. Be he still fine as hell to me. This is Marcus

O YEA....n i met George. His boi was tryin to holla at Venus n then he stepped over n tried to holla at me. He was cool...but short. N i know they were messed up on that liquor. He was funny though. WHen Carl Thomas was driven off he started singing his song all loud. Everyone busted out laughing hard as shyt. But the one thing i felt bad about was that we left with Marcus..n was gonna go in Gladys Knights Chicken n Waffles...so after we parked we walked around n he was holding my hand. (so sexy...damn!!) n then who do we walk into??? GEORGE N HIS BOYS!! lol. O WELLS. I smiled at him n he smiled back. (i felt a lil trifling...but hell i didnt lie to him...he knew we were getting picked up by Marcus...PLUS I AINT NO ONE'S GIRL!! But it was just the feeling....lol i'm tripping) He's been texting me mad crazy n i been textin him back alot too. This is George

U UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just wish that that could erase all the build up in me. I'm so sad n frustrated n angry. All i want is to cry n punch things and be pulled close to someone so i can cry even harder and just release my stress while they hold onto me n dont let go. I just feel so alone. I know i have to learn to accept it....and i do. But it doesnt stop my feelings. My journal is the only place i can come where nothing is expected of me. I get all the love i need. I havent been able to sleep for the past 2 weeks. My body just goes n goes n goes til i cant hold my eyes open. My life is passing by. But it's only a little while b4 all this is over. I can be free. I can fly n be ME. WITHOUT RESTRICTION. Major restriction that is. I wish this chick would shut the hell up that's im'in me. GOD I WANNA PUNCH THE SHYT OUT OF HER!!!

why the fuck am i AWAKE!!!

I cant damn sleep. Every night it's the same shyt!!! I NEVER SLEEP!!! I sleep when my body shuts down. Tonight Gary called me after i got off work n i almost didnt answer. But somethin said ACCEPT. So i did....n it added more shyt to my list. PARTS OF ME SAY..GET THE FUCK OVER IT DAMN!!! But the friend in me listened and tried to help. I'm mean sometimes. I know. But i cant help it. I HAVE ALOT OF SHYT ON ME AND IF I DONT WANNNA BE WITH YOU DONT TRY TO FUCKIN FORCE ME!!! The shyt that gets to me is that he does that shyt in such a passive way.  He goes into these long drawn out fuckin stories n i'm like "DUDE!!!!! WHY ARE U LINGERING ON SOMETHIN THATZ NO LONGER??!! DAMN!!" But thatz the agitated me. I know he needs to be understood. I know he needs someone there to help him through. I know he needs to be understood. I know he needs someone who wont tell him to get over it...but right now i cant be that person. ITS TOO MUCH PRESSURE!!!  JIMMY PUTS PRESSURE ON ME WHEN I CANT JUST CHILLL WITH HIM AS A FRIEND. I'm like..I DONT HAVE A FUCKIN CAR NOR DO U..SO DONT BE BITCHIN TO ME THAT WE HAVENT SPENT TIME. I'm sorry i cant spend as muc time as i'd like...but i cant just take ppl's cars when i want to. I had to tell him about that shyt too. I'm like...i like hanging with you but u gonna have to chill on the pressure shyt. He does the shyt subliminally. AND THATZ PRESSURING. Like yesterday i was gonna go see him while jon jon was in class b4 work..but i fell asleep. So i told him n he was like...."AW IM MAD AT THAT..ARE U SERIOUS>.N I WANTED TO SEE U TOO. I"M DISAPPOINTED." ..........In my mind i'm thinkin.."I SEEM TO DISAPPOINT U ALL THE TIME SO WHY NOT JUST FUCKIN DROP THE FRIENDSHIP?!!" It's like a fuckin constant reminder of my failure. MY FUCKED UP LIFE. N DWAYNE!! O MY GOD!! THIS NEGRO DONT KNOW WHAT THE HELL HE WANA DO!! HE TEXTS MY OTHER NUMBER LIKE I DIDNT TELL HIM THE SHYT WASNT GONNA BE FREE UNTIL the 28th!! N I GET TEXTS LIKE..."DO I HAVE TO CALL YOU TO TALK?" I hated that shyt!!!!! im like..I LEFT UR ASS A VOICEMAIL EXPLAINING EVERYTHING!!! LISTEN!!! DAMN!! It's like all this dead weight in my life... AND THIS JOB. I HATE IT!!! EVERYDAY IS A REMINDER OF WHAT I'VE FAILED AT. N I DONT WANT TO COMPLAIN..i'm just friggin frustrated right now. I DONT WANT ALL THIS DAMN PRESSURE ON ME!! I'M  NO ONE'S GIRL!! SHYT. DONT EXPEcT SHYT FROM ME!! FUCK!! When is alicia gonna be ok? *sigh* Going to lay down now

ocean emotions

 it's not easy being alone. sometimes i ask why i have to be n other times i sigh and accept it. but just now i had a weird thought. I saw myself walkin into another room n layin in the bed with another person. I didnt want anything at all. I just wanted to not be alone. That pushed tears to my eyes. I feel very lonely on the inside. I just want the lilttle me back when i was small enough for my daddy to put me on his lap n hug me. Being grown that seems very much so out of place, but i really need a hug. Not just any hug but a hug from him. I thought about Dwayne n i wanted a  hug from him too, but i cant bear the other feelings lingering with him. I just want my daddy. It's not appropriate tho. I wish i was still that little girl so i could climb in the bed with my daddy and just rest in peace. But im grown now n thatz not gonna fly. But deep down i just need that right now.  I want to just feel ok. I want to not cry tears one by one. I want to not be awake when i should be sleep. On the inside im happi because i have taken Alicia back from all the selfish ppl in the world. *exhale* On the inside im happi because im standing up for myself....but a small part of me still neeeeeeds the last part...a HUG. A true hug.  The way Dwayne used to hug me. He wouldnt let me go. I didnt want him too. N if i tried to move he pulled me right back. The greatest time was in a park at the bench table thingy. He was sitting across from me and we stared each other day n talked until he couldnt resist anymore.  He got up n sat behind me...hugged me from behind and put his head on my shoulder. N I LOVED THAT. I craved that. It wasnt sexual  but very intimate. He allowed himself to be part of me. He allowed me into him. I was comforted. sometimes i just wanted to tell him how safe i felt in his arms. Nothing he said or did........just the contact. It was the closest feeling i had to my dad. I was always happi with my dad. He was the man of my life. ALways protecting me. When i met Dwayne it was like i got it back. Dwayne thinks i dont understand him, but i do.  I just want him to understand me. I dont want to get in his way. I just want to stay important to him. If no one else...i want him n my daddy to always be in my life. I dont want any relationship right now. WITH ANYONE!! Im not ready!!! I need to get ALICIA on track. But one thing i do know is that certain ppl i think about alot. He is one of em. I think about Gary alot too but for me....i tend to draw more to those ppl in my life that have been more of a big protective figure. To me Gary was protective but just not as aggressive. I care about him alot.  We have been each other's rock really. Then i think back to Dwayne n as much as i wana punch him inthe chest sometimes....i still cant let go of how protected i feel with him. WHenever i AM around him i sleep well.........i have no worries of being threatened. I would really like for himn gary to meet my dad. Just so i can show him the 2 guys that have held different important parts of me together until he could come back into my life. i miss my dad. i really do. I have no idea how to mend the brokenness...but i have faith. *sigh* let me go to bed